Twin Souls, One Heart, But A Breath Apart
Samuel is my most precious and beloved son. He is my twin flame, the other half of my heart, my only child in this world. We are NOW but a single breath apart. This one breath places a realm between us that much of the time, even with the connections that I am both blessed and pained to carry, feels like universes apart. I believe it was Don Juan in the books by Carlos Castaneda who said regarding the loss of his son, that he felt a devastation that was crushing. Even for those of us who walk with certain gifts, this does not remove or eradicate the anguish of losing a child. In some ways, it can be more excruciating.
How do I describe my son? He was and is such a beautiful and remarkable being. This is the first time I have written about him. I have not been ready or able. He is light. He is love. He struggled here in many ways that parallel my own. Balance is a continual dance. My son's heart was as big as the sun, as is mine. Thus he felt too much at times and spoke with me often of the intensity. Another mirror. With great gifts come great responsibility, often a difficult path to walk. Suffering can plant roots and become a shadow.
From a very young age, he carried the wisdom of the sages. He radiated presence and gentleness. When he was about 4 years old, I sat him down and asked him if he wanted to learn about the main chakra systems in the body and the colors and energetics they carried. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes and rattled off all of the colors of the chakras in rapid succession and in perfect order from root to crown. As I gazed at him, I asked him if he still wanted to meditate and he said, "Not really Momma. Can we just play instead?" My heart almost burst in my chest with the magnitude of my love.
For all his life, I worked to guard his being with light, with protection. I had continual premonitions he would not be here into his 20’s. This shook me to my core. As he got older and struggled with how painful experiences in this world can be, I felt deeper concern. His heart and caring for everyone and his anxieties with societal pressures often overshadowed his self care and trust. He used to ask me often, " Momma, How do you continue to walk with love? Why? You have been through so much and yet you keep trusting when you have no reason too!" I told him it was indeed extremely hard at times but If I let go of who I am then it is all for naught. We have choice over who we choose to be and how we carry ourselves. I make plenty of mistakes as we all do. Self sabotage has been a powerful life lesson for me.
When Sam was about 15, I took him to a morning teaching being given by a Tibetan Lama. I awoke with a feeling that Sam had to be there. The Lama was teaching for three days but I told Sam he only needed to go for the morning. He gave me a look of utter frustration as though I were asking him to scrub the floor with a toothbrush. I told him that I felt it was imperative and an important moment for his soul. He trusted me and told me," Momma, I do not want to go but I know when you receive messages and have your feelings, I need to listen to you." YES! Off we went. He was bored by what he considered to be monotonous, unending spiritual teachings. During the break, the Lama, who had crutches due to a fracture across the top of his foot, slowly made his way through the room. He did not speak to anyone yet radiated smiles and kindness. As he passed Sam, he stopped and turned, stepping backwards a step to face him. He stared at Sam for a moment before placing his hands on my son's shoulders and exclaiming," It is you! My dear old friend! How are you?! It is so wonderful to see you again! It has been a long time!" He held his shoulders and shook his hand and smiled from ear to ear. Sam was blushing and responded with a muted, "I am good and you?" The lama laughed and said, " I am very well! Thank you my old friend!" He then turned to me and touched me and smiled as we recognized one another as well. It was a very powerful moment and afterwards while I was outside with my son, my eyes filled with tears and I said," Thank you for listening to me baby. Do you understand now that you are special, that this was a profound message and gift?" He was so amazed, he just hugged me repeating that he had not known what to say to the Lama. I hoped deeply in my heart that this experience would help my son know he was precious. Combined with the fact that the experience did not come from me, his mother, I hoped it would also help him with loving and believing in himself more.
There are those things we agree to as souls to walk through here that we do not remember when we incarnate. It is possible we would not agree to commit to some of them due to the pain we would have to endure. These moments can stop our hearts from beating. In fact, my own heart did stop beating about a week after “losing” my son from this world. The anguish was suffocating. As I stopped breathing, I rose up out of my body and up towards the ceiling. As I approached the ceiling, a huge presence gently but firmly slowly pushed me back down towards and into my body as I heard and felt the word "NO". As I re-entered my body, gasping in a huge breath, I started sobbing as the weight of my body and despair in my heart felt insurmountable. Why am I sharing this with all of you here? Because it is the truth. Not all experiences just flow into light and love and are easy to process. It is, in fact, the process of feeling, being immersed in our human experience and process that makes up the foundation of our soul agreements here and where our growth originates from. It is a complicated network of dynamics that feed the direction and outcome of our lives here on Earth.
On top of all that was crushing me, I had to help my son to process his lifetime. This was unbearable. He came in one night shortly after leaving this world. It was an experience that I am both deeply grateful for and which simultaneously fractured me more deeply. I was so raw and vulnerable myself, I honestly do not know how I was able to hold and help my child and ensure he was safely where he needed to be. Our bond as souls is absolute.
Again, Why would I write such personal sharing on my website? A site which is about healing and trusting and Re-Connecting to one’s Path of the Heart? Because, this life is not all about “flowers and fairies” as my son used to tell me. It can be damned brutal and insanely difficult to navigate at times.
I have to take each breath as I am breathed knowing that I must continue my soul work for my son, for myself and for all of you as a message of hope and healing. We do not die. We change form and are held within The Soul of the World which carries us all.
SAM does NOT belong to me as MY son. I am the most honored vessel for his entry into this world. We have no ownership of anything. I am so blessed and gratified to be the mother of this most beloved being. I would not trade it for all of this world or the next, even with the heart break and void I now carry within me.
Even though I was in unending sorrow, my Pilgrimage across parts of France and Spain continued emptying me, opening channels for me to hear what mantras to repeat over and over, step after step. With this came my ability to hear and speak with my son. I was also able to see him at times. This kept me going. He would give me messages that would unfold day after day.
As I have shared, there is a remarkable unfolding universally with all beings fulfilling their place within the giant woven tapestry. This next chapter of my life here involves working with my son in joining the worlds by helping shift belief systems, patterns, blockages and opening deeper levels of awareness. Bridging worlds to assist awakening and consciousness shift.
There is great mystery holding the sacredness of Divine intention and unfolding.
Sam is an old, old Soul. He was and is loved by all who knew him. This world can be a difficult plane for those who walk with so much beauty. Sam loved and loves animals, people and life. He walked through many trials and tribulations here and pushed his own envelope far to the bursting point.
Before I became pregnant with my son, I walked through many difficulties. One night, I awoke from one of the most blessed and remarkably sacred encounters of my life. I had been inside of The Soul of The World. I do not know how else to express this. I was shown this beautiful baby, my pregnancy which was to be coming in the near future laced with many hardships, including a very challenging birth and so on... I woke my husband and shared all that I had been told. Needless to say, all unfolded exactly as I had been shown, including his name: Samuel. I continued to hear this name whispered in my ear throughout my pregnancy and when I researched the meaning, I felt weak in my knees. “A child of God” and “Parent’s wishes for a child.”
How remarkable this journey has been and continues to be. Sam is an angel of light and love, the other half of my heart. He sends me birds, often doves when I am faltering.
While walking on the Earth, a profound message continued to come in over and over, very much like a mantra. What I heard was that my son's name, who he is, holds deeper significance. Listening moved me further into stillness.
Spirit Activated Metamorphosis
Sam and I are a team. We are joined by our hands across a double yellow line on a road neither of us are allowed to cross over. This was a message I was given through sacred channels. We are walking together side by side. I am working to be able to fulfill my part in this soul agreement, though I have been brought to my knees over and over again. I pray to have the strength and courage to honor this pact which I have worked diligently to embody thus far. It is a testament to my efforts that I am still standing.
Last July, I went to California with my Son’s ashes. Sam loved the sea and had loved it since he was very small. It came in that he wished this. I had to do this for him. I could not keep his being contained within an urn. I could not breathe feeling his confinement. In loving him as I do, it was easy to do what would bring him happiness yet hard for me at that time to let him go. I saved a small part of my son to plant a tree which i have done so he can nourish new life from his own. I carried an acorn with me from the starting point of my pilgrimage in France throughout Spain. I felt my son as one with this acorn, majestic beauty from humble beginnings.
With shaking hands, I placed my child into the Sea. As I did, the most profound release took place. I felt a freeing of my soul and a joy, a peace, a joining with all that is. I, for a time, felt a wholeness and an ease that filled me. Above, an enormous cloud changed shape forming a magnificent angel that radiated light through its form out across the sea. This angel stayed manifested and magnificent for a long time in the sky. Truly breathtaking and such a gift in moments of such anguish. It was resplendent!
That night was the first time since losing Sam from this world that I actually felt him touch my cheek. I could smell him! He hugged me and I sobbed. Sam is also stepping into new territory walking between realms if you will. I had to help him hold his light together as he found his way through doorways. It is very challenging to describe. An astounding gift and interaction. Sharing these personal and sacred details here feels very important for those of you needing to know there is much more than this world alone. For those of you whose hearts need reassuring.
My heart calls me to share with you. If my doing so brings you comfort and ease, I am grateful. We are all walking our own paths of evolution yet joined together by the journey. Thank you for honoring mine as I honor yours...
It is time to move into the vast ocean from the flowing river. There is much preparation for growing and maintaining this garden. May we all support the web of life and expand higher and higher into our greatest potentials.